A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him