“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
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I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected
This economy is ruthless.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.