A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.