*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
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One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?
Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…