A forest fire is the world's way of adding black trees to the forest community.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

One day you’ll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you’re thinking right now

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

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