@gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

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@NicestHippo

“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american

@U_Want_Shum_M8

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

@jackiembouvier

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

@joeljeffrey

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

@JediGigi

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

@fsuflores

I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected

This economy is ruthless.

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

@SondraDeeMe

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

@Tmoney68

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

@daddydoubts

Me: whatโ€™s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.