God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I wish I was an American so that I had the right to bear arms. I’d probably go for panda bear arms because awwwww, so cute.
People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.