@TheDjinnTrials

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

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@ShellHasDragons

God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.

@B1gBrainsMcGee

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

@stevevsninjas

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

@amydillon

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

@aneesa_p

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

@Schmoodles

I wish I was an American so that I had the right to bear arms. I’d probably go for panda bear arms because awwwww, so cute.

@Kelly_skeleton

People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly

@AmericanGent69

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.