@xxsomebunnyxx

A French fry so long that you’re just like ‘I would like to shake the hand of the potato this came from’

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@Lmao

What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.

@SweatyGardener

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

@QwertyJones3

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

@KevinFarzad

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

@ThatMummyLife

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

@funflaps

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

@Nobody09049097

if i got back all the money i spent on liquor i would have enough to buy a huge amount of liquor all at once