i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.