What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.
A French fry so long that you’re just like ‘I would like to shake the hand of the potato this came from’
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
if i got back all the money i spent on liquor i would have enough to buy a huge amount of liquor all at once
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache