A French press is when you hug naked
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THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
three things we don’t talk about
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*