A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*