A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.