I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”