A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?