A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”


Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?

The air hockey table.

All our bathrooms have one.


Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*


My favorite romcom is Silence of the Lambs and if you tell me it’s not a romcom well oh boy have I got a Powerpoint presentation for you.


Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.


Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*


Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.


Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.


Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.


Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.