A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.