Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Why is this me 😫
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.