How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no