A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
this is 10/10 content no notes
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!