Bummed that there’s no obvious place to insert a $ into my name.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
You Might Also Like
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new
Pfff….poetry is easy
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*