@michaelianblack
Bummed that there’s no obvious place to insert a $ into my name.
@NoDomesticDiva
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
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@michaelianblack
@hipstermermaid
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
@Inferno_V
Sex so good you see dead people.
@AddledPixie
Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.
@Skoog
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
@TimFederle
Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”
@OkieGirl405
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
@the_blacklisted
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
@WilliamRodgers
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
@ShortSleeveSuit
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*