A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

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[Mesozoic era]

God: if u can’t spell ur name you’re going extinct

Jellyfish: seems fair

Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit


I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.


While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.


Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.


Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work


If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree


All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.


Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”


Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on