@NoDomesticDiva

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

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@BoozeWallet

[Mesozoic era]

God: if u can’t spell ur name you’re going extinct

Jellyfish: seems fair

Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit

@HatfieldAnne

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

@momjeansplease

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

@markedly

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

@D_empiricist

If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree

@vexroid

All I’m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn’t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.

@GrantTanaka

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

@Ygrene

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on