@NoDomesticDiva

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

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@hipstermermaid

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

@AddledPixie

Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.

@Skoog

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

@TimFederle

Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”

@OkieGirl405

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

@WilliamRodgers

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

@ShortSleeveSuit

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*