A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
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Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
One of the best
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?