A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

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[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else


the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever


Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly


WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?


2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!



Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.


I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.


REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.


Father’s Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household


Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?