@JimMFelton

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

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@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

@TheHyyyype

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

@Its_Just_Reese

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

@nbadag

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

@wildrainbow2

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

@PetrickSara

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

@JimmerThatisAll

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

@JillianKarger

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

@yoyoha

Father’s Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household

@Jesssicle

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?