A friend sent me this.
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“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.