GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
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My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?