*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing