A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior