@Elizasoul80

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

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@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

@Parkerlawyer

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

@Arrogant_Twat

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

@AndrewNadeau0

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

@discotits69

Oh my god y’all this guy i used to talk to made me a playlist like a year ago called “for syd” and i have had it saved to my spotify library since and i just saw it for the first time in months and it’s called “for bailey”

@robfee

The prequel to 16 & Pregnant could be called “15 & Fully Trusted By Her Parents to Make Good Decisions, We Love You Brittani.”

@ankles_so_weak

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

@meganamram

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

@Overdue_Bills

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

@chairmanMAO_92

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead