A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
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My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I created you as mosquito food.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology