A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
the world’s most popular steaming services
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables