A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
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Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Oh we’ve met.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat