The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
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True freaking story!
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun