Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
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Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Anyone really
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I was bored.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.