Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
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*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
This is the best one I’ve seen
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
me irl
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.