It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
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*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I wish I could veto my bills.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.