[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!