A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
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When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
The Onion called it…again.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Worst bar ever.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.