A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…