A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it鈥檚 like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don鈥檛 mind if I do
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It鈥檚 the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What鈥檚 wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me鈥擨 will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can鈥檛 馃槀
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
if my sleeping schedule was a person
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I鈥檒l have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?