a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
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Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.