A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.