@HonestlyJon

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

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@lahirip

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

@Pundamentalism

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

@leyawn

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

@rocknthepurple

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

@Parkerlawyer

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

@tangledteatime

Me: Am I your only friend?

Imaginary friend: Sure are!

Imaginary friend’s imaginary friend: Wow, I’m right here.

@HallpassCanada

Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.

@Contwixt

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

@unravelingfire

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

@YourMomsucksTho

I might be a 42 year old woman but i identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.