@rolldiggity

A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else’s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.

A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else’s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.

- @rolldiggity

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@Consent2Treat

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

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There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own

@rosannecash

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

@MichaelLarrick

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
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@orny_xo

Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.

@junejuly12

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why