I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
😂😂😂
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there