Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.