@rolldiggity

A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.

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@TomSchally

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

@skullmandible

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

@SkinnieTalls

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

@ojedge

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] IF  YOU  LIKE  IT  THEN  YOU  SHOULDA  PUT  A  RING  ON  IT

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

@brycoo

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

@MaraWilson

Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”

@BillyCorben

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

@Just_Lee_

My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited

@schoonerz

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked