@rolldiggity

A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.

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@raydevito

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

@Home_Halfway

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it’s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.

@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@theevilwriter

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

@psybermonkey

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

@envydatropic

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

@JuiceTooWavie

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

@gylertagan

[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget