A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.

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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical


If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it’s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.


Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom


When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.


When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.


I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.


Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.


The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”


I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.


[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget