Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.
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I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg…making me a MERMAID!
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]
Amoeba: dad, how was I made?
Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.