I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.
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nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked