A fun prank if your roommate is a cartoon character is to draw clothes on the mirror so he leaves the house not realizing he’s naked.

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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27


[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no


[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]



Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much


interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please


In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.


My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman.


doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream


Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.