Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
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Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…