A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
#math
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
me and my fake scenarios
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”