a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I put the h in mysterious.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*