@sarcasticmommy4

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

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@moodtooth

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

@iGreenMonk

I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something

I forgot that I’m so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes

@caliraingirl

Everyone should have that “tester” first twitter account to screw up and learn from… You know, kinda like that first child you have.

@NYorNothing

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

@Robert_Beau

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

@wolfpupy

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

@datdbag

*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*

*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*

YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN

@Prof_Hinkley

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one