A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

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I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.


I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something

I forgot that I’m so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes


Everyone should have that “tester” first twitter account to screw up and learn from… You know, kinda like that first child you have.


My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?


I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.


if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo


*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*

*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*



I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one