@BigBagOfScum

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

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@HenpeckedHal

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

@tchrquotes

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

@onion_an

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

@BuckyIsotope

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@BoomBoomBetty

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374