A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
best first i’ve ever seen
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it