@Staggfilms

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

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@ArfMeasures

Cop: can you describe your attacker?

J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

@LostFelicia

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

@darrinfb

To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”

How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?

@lachlan

Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.

@megfraser

I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

@PostCultRev

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

@vodkanopants

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

@FatherWithTwins

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.