A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

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Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn’t the most romantic move ever.


Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?


doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”


My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.


Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?


Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.


On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.


my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now