A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
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Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.