sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
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DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter