[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
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My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
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I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?