a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Happy Thanksgiving
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.