the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
You Might Also Like
Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well
Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead
I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
Just take a day off
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good