a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this


Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well


Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead


I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.


Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?


[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.


Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■


Just take a day off


boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly


[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good