A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president


When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.


If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.


Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts


Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.

I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.


Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.


I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.


Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*


Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.


After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this