A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

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Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.


You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.


Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.


*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*


*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.


Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)


*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.


Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again


Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.


GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*