A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
So inspired right now.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
This was my dad’s browser history.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.