Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.