@megantwentytwo

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

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@TheMichaelRock

You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.

@VoNwosu

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

@batkaren

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

@michaeljhudson

I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug

@IamJackBoot

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

@Xalqee

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

@SteevUmc

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?