A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
The 6 types of sex
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Hey i am sexy to you now