@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

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@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@a_venezuelan19

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

@BradBroaddus

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

@Bacon_Ball

You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she’s probably not into you.

@TheTweetOfGod

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

@Mikel_Jollett

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

@AngelaEhh

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

@beefman138

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.