[first day as an undercover police officer]
me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she’s probably not into you.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I just saw an 8 year old hipster.
Your move, apocalypse.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.