A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

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I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”


[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles


#WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab


Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE


{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go


Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open


Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!


A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house


*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*