@KylePlantEmoji

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

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@ronnui_

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

@Conchvegas1

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

@Hector_Srsly

#WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab

@abbycohenwl

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

@Home_Halfway

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

@shopkins776

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

@NikiWithIssues

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

@SortaBad

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

@stephenjmolloy

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*