@KylePlantEmoji

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

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@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@athleisure_monk

[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.

@bader_diedrich

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

@a_simpl_man

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

@QwertyJones3

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

@TheCatWhisprer

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

@lucyworld1

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

@awescar

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

@TwinSurvivalist

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

@emceekayvee

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?