A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
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1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I hope they boil the right one.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please